Holes in the Bucket

Carol McCloud and Karen Wells wrote a fabulous book called Have You Filled A Bucket Today: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids. This book, and the two others in the series, have been used in schools and other environments, for children and adults to encourage giving, caring, and sharing kindness and appreciation of others to make this world a happier place for everyone. I worked at a school district that used this book to encourage one another including students, teachers, administrators, and support staff. I still have the paper, in the form of a water droplet, hand written by the superintendent that I received in my first year there. I keep this, and a few other small items that I received from students, in a special file that I take out when I need encouragement. Kindness and appreciation from others, as well as giving it to others, fills my bucket and it probably fills yours too.

But, what happens when there are holes in that bucket?

What happens when there are holes created by significant childhood trauma, that permanently damaged the bucket? How does one hold that water, the kindness and appreciation given by others, in a bucket with holes? How can one give kindness and appreciation when there are holes in the bucket?

Children who experience trauma are more likely to have attachment issues, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, attention deficit disorders, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, developmental delays, and aggression. All of these challenges make it difficult to keep water, aka happiness, in their buckets/lives.

Imagine holes in an aluminum bucket, like the one in the picture. There is a hole for the times that the child was left in the same diaper for twenty-four hours. There is a hole for the times when the child was left to cry from hunger pains, without getting fed. There is a hole in the bucket for each time the child was hit, slapped, punched, beat. There are holes for each time the child saw his/her parent using drugs, or passed out due to drugs. There is a hole for the time the child had to call 911, or do CPR for the parent. There is a hole for each time the child was passed on to someone else to be cared for. There is a hole in the bucket for each of these traumas, and more. Once a child experiences a significant trauma the effect of lesser traumas is greater. When there is a large hole in the bucket, there is a greater chance that the next small hole will make the large one even larger.

 

In addition to having holes in the bucket, and adding holes that could make others larger, the more you move that holey bucket around, the more water you lose. Think about that. If you set a holey bucket on a surface and leave it alone, the water will slowly leak out. But, if you move it and jostle it, the water will leak out faster. A study of children in foster care in Rhode Island suggests that half of all children experience at least one placement change while in care with infants changing placements least, and the risk of placement change increasing with the child’s age (Connell, 2006). Children who experience trauma are often placed into foster care. These children are then moved and jostled, causing their buckets to empty and a decrease in happiness which leads to many significant problems.

There has been a 3% increase in the number of children in foster homes from 2015-2017 and at least half of the states in the U.S. have seen their foster care capacity decrease (Kelly 2017). Kelly also reported that federal and state officials have attributed the increasing foster care totals to substance abuse, particularly opioid abuse by parents (2017). With the rise of children in foster care, the deficit in the number of foster homes available, and the frequent changes in placement in foster homes the buckets of these children are jostled and emptied. This leaves the child empty, and unable to hold happiness.


The foster parents, relatives that take custody of children in the kinship program, teachers, therapists, social workers, and all of the other well meaning adults in the child’s life pour love, kindness, support, help, and time into these children. But, it doesn’t help; the water all leaks out through the holes that are in these children’s buckets.

With nothing in the bucket to give to others these children often use what their holes are made of to get through life. They use aggression, both physical and verbal, they don’t form healthy attachments to others, they often develop chemical dependency, and they continue to let all love leak out of the holes in their buckets, which leaves them empty.

Before these children can accept love, support, or kindness the holes in their buckets need to be patched.

Children often resist this patching process. They have gotten used to the holes in their buckets, and the patching process can hurt. How can we convince children that they will feel better after being “patched”, and that the process is worth it. First, the child has decide that they are worth patching. If the child has already thrown their bucket into the weeds to rust and be forgotten about, there is no way to patch the holes until the child decides to retrieve the bucket and begin the process. At that time the process will take longer, because there has been more damage done.

It is important to get to a child’s bucket before it is in the weeds, before the child has given up on ever being happy.

When the “patching” process begins it is best to start with the small holes, the ones that will hurt the least. As the small holes are patched, and if the bucket is left in one place the water will not leak out as fast. As small holes are patched the child may begin to feel real happiness, and may have something to give to others, thereby increasing their own happiness. But, unless that big hole gets patched there will be no way for the child to truly hold or give kindness, love, or happiness.

It is much more difficult to help a child who has decided that their bucket cannot be fixed, and has put it in the weeds to rust and be forgotten. Digging the bucket out of the weeds and showing the child how to fix it before the child is ready will get the bucket, and the adult kicked to the weeds. This will put a hole in the adult’s bucket as well. Adults can point to the bucket and let the child know that when they are ready to fix it the adult can help. Children with holes in their buckets can be good at putting holes in an adult’s bucket. If the adult is not careful, soon their bucket will no longer hold water either. Secondary trauma is real, and it can damage an entire family. Sometimes it is necessary to leave a bucket in the weeds, in order to prevent more holes from being put into other buckets.

While it is crucial for everyone to fill each other’s buckets, thus also filling our own, children who have experienced trauma are unable to hold the love, kindness, acknowledgement, and support, and also unable to give it. Patching the bucket of a child who has experienced trauma is difficult, and the child may resist because it is not comfortable and it hurts. But, if we are patient, and many people fill the child’s bucket a little, and help patch the little holes it is possible for a child to be able to hold onto, and give love, kindness, acknowledgement, and support. Some children will decide that patching the bucket is too painful, and not worth it, thereby kicking their bucket to the weeds to rust and be forgotten. It is important to point out the bucket and offer help when the child is ready, but not to bring the bucket to them, or the adult will kicked to the weeds with the bucket.

Do what you can to help a child patch a hole in their bucket, or to fill their bucket; but be careful that you don’t allow holes to be put into your bucket in the process. 

Let Your Light Shine!

References Cited

Kelly, John. “The Foster Care Housing Crisis.” The Chronicle of Social Change , 31 Oct. 2017, chronicleofsocialchange.org/child-welfare-2/chronicle-report-least-25-states-lost-foster-care-capacity-since-2012/28575.

Connell, Christian M. et al. “Changes in Placement among Children in Foster Care: A Longitudinal Study of Child and Case Influences.” The Social service review 80.3 (2006): 398–418. PMC. Web. 5 Oct. 2018.

Talking About Suicide With Children

Last night everyone in our school district received an automated phone call from the Superintendent.  The phone call brought me to tears, it would have at any time, but even more so as April 29 is quickly approaching.  April 29 will be the two year mark of my sister's suicide.  Last nigh, the call informed our small community, who were already talking about it, that a sixth grade girl passed away in the school yesterday afternoon.  That is the only information we received, but the word had made it around our community, this child ended her life.  The details were not clear, nor did they matter; the tragedy occurred.

Talk to your kids!  Think they're too young?  Think of the sixth grader who ended her life, your child is not too young.  Not sure what to say?  Here are some tips:

• "If you are ever thinking that you would be better off dead, please talk to us.  We will get you the help you need," (this may be a therapist, medication, support from you, or in extreme cases, hospitalization).
• "If you feel like there is no hope, that things will never get better or change, talk to us.  We will listen."  
• "I will listen to any problem you have, I will take you seriously, and you will not be in trouble."
• Practice problem solving with your child and discuss options. 
• Talk about the future and set goals with your child; talk about them often.
• Listen to what your child is not saying: sleeping more or less than normal, getting rid of things, seeing nothing positive in life, drawings of death or darkness, any big change in the child's behavior.  While changes are normal in adolescence and pre-adolescence, have a discussion with your child.  
• Search your child's phone and social media history, looking for bullying or suicidal threats.
• Always take suicidal threats seriously.
• Talk about what suicide is: it is permanent, it is devastating to those who are left behind, it is a permanent end to a temporary problem.
• Put the National Suicide Hotline on your fridge and in your child's phone: 1-800-273-8255. 
• Leave the stigma behind:
• Suicide is not selfish - those who commit suicide truly believe that they are helping others by ending their life, they will no longer be a burden, their loved ones will not have to deal with their issues. 
• Suicide is not for cowards - it takes an incredible amount of courage to end one's life, it's not an easy thing to do.
• Suicide is not a sin - judgment is.
• Suicidal thoughts and attempts are not just for attention -the person needs help. 

It's easy to let your teen or pre-teen go to their room and do their own thing, the independence can be nice after years of constant supervision.  But, remember to talk to your teen/pre-teen, even when he/she does not want to.  Make sure your child knows that they can talk to you when they need to.

And, even if you do all of these things the unthinkable can still happen.  If it does, don't blame yourself, and find support.

The most important thing to do is, LISTEN!  Listen to everyone!  Let Your Light SHINE - Listen to your child, listen to others.

You can find more resources and support here:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Teens-and-Young-Adults
https://afsp.org/find-support/

Do Not Be Afraid

The Christmas season is supposed to be full of joy, family, friends, and happiness.  Unfortunately, the joy of the season is getting replaced by to-do lists, running here and there, shopping, guilt, grief, and pure exhaustion.

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid.  I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people."  Luke 2:9-10

Instead of being excited and filled with joy as the glory of God shines around us we are terrified, much like the Shepherds in the field that night near Bethlehem.  But the angel said, '"Do not be afraid!"  He said, don't be afraid that you won't have everything perfect, that you may forget to get a gift for someone, that you didn't get your cards out in time, that you didn't bake ten different items.  Do not be afraid!  The good news of Christ's arrival will cause great joy for all the people.  Not, gifts, or goodies, or parties.  Not, the most beautifully decorated house on the block or the most cards sent out.  It is the good news of Christ's birth that brings joy to all the people.

I am guilty of getting caught up in making everything just right, while making my family miserable.  I can't even enjoy Christmas music without baking or wrapping at the same time.  I want to include everyone, and make things by hand.  In the process I get crabby and tired and have no joy left to shine onto others.  I am afraid that things won't be just right.

As I complained to my husband about all that I had to do I explained why I could not drop anything from my to-do list I said, "If I don't get cards out, people will wonder where their card is.  If I don't make the picture books or calendars people will wonder why they didn't get one.  I didn't give a calendar to Uncle Chad and Aunt Sandy last year and Uncle Chad died."  (I know that not getting a photo calendar did not cause my uncle's death, but it weighs on me that I didn't give them one last year.)

I realized that I am terrified.  Terrified, that what I do, or don't do affects Christmas.  Christmas has nothing to do with what I do, or don't do.  Christmas is about God's love for us.  What God gave us can never compare to anything we do.  The best thing we can do at Christmas is to let our light shine on others, so that they may know the good news and feel the joy that Christ brought for all people.

Fifteen years ago our first child was born.  His birth was traumatic; he was placed on a helicopter and flown to a larger nearby city.  We were in the neonatal intensive care unit with him for five days.  We are thankful that it was only five days, many babies are in there much longer.

That year I let go of my Christmas to-do list.  I didn't mail out cards until after New Years.  I did just basic decorations, I only made one Christmas treat, our favorite one,  I kept gifts to a minimum.  We had even resigned ourselves the fact that we would be in the hospital for Christmas before we received the exciting news that we could go home on the 23rd.  Do you know what happened the year that I let go of all the things I HAD to do?  We enjoyed Christmas with our newborn, whom we were thankful was alive.  No one was angry about receiving their card late.  No one was upset that only one Christmas goody was available, no one complained about the lack of decorations.  We spent time with family and were thankful for everything.  After being terrified about the future of our first child, we experienced the joy of life, of Christ, of our Christmas miracle.

I am going to focus more on the joy of Christ during this last week before Christmas.  I'm going to let go of my to-do list and not worry about everything being just right, at the expense of my energy and joy.  I am going to put my phone away and spend time with my children, and my family.  Instead of focusing on material gifts I am going to let my light shine on others and spread the good news and joy of Christmas.  As I mail out the Christmas cards and packages today I am going to send them with joy in my heart, instead of anxiety about all that has yet to be done.  I am going to enjoy time with those I have here instead of focusing on the grief of those I have lost.

I will not be terrified!  I will experience great joy!  I will let my light shine!

Do not be afraid!  Let Your Light Shine!





 

Keep Shining!

It seems there is a never ending stream of natural and man-made disasters in the news recently.  As soon as one horrible event begins to dissipate another follows behind it.  It is overwhelming and heartbreaking.  During difficult times it is easy to get caught up in the negative; believing that the world is crumbling around you.  It is difficult to find good and keep hope.  But, it is during these times when it is most important to keep shining. 

Having faced several difficult situations recently, in addition to the national and world events, I have found myself sinking into the darkness.  I have felt alone, afraid, and hopeless.  I have been too busy to write for awhile, and I have not made time for exercise.  I keep moving, keep doing, but I am not taking care of myself.  

I am not taking time to recharge my light, and I can feel it slipping away.

I have had to reach out for help, from my doctor, my counselor, and friends and family.  This is difficult for me to do.  I don't like to ask for help, partly because I don't want to burden others and partly because I am fiercely independent.  I am trying to reach out, to tell people what I need.  This is not an easy task; everyone is simply too busy with life, but I keep asking.  I have to keep shining my light.  I have to have ask for help and find hope.   

It's easy to get discouraged when people take advantage of your kindness, when they target you with allegations, when they out right turn their back to you and reject all that you are trying to give.  But, you must keep shining.  Don't let those around you or the events of the world extinguish your light.  Everyone has a purpose and light to shine for others.  It is important to follow God's plan and purpose.  It is not in His plan for us to live in despair (Psalm 42:11).

Find something to do or someone to talk to that will help you recharge your light and keep shining.  Last week I went to a Chris Tomlin (Christian Musical Artist) concert.  It was just what I needed.  I left feeling recharged and full of hope.  I left knowing that I have a purpose and I need to keep shining.  Whether it's a concert, yoga, time outside, a counselor, a friend, or a spouse, find someway to recharge your light when it begins to dim.  Don't let anyone steal your light! 

When there are mass shootings, devastating hurricanes and fires, nuclear threats, political unrest - keep shining!  When others try to steal your light, take advantage of you, target you, reject you - keep shining!  Even if someone shuts out your light, keep shining!  There are people who need your light and will accept it.  You can not force anyone to accept your help, your love, your light.  All you can do is Keep Shining!  

Keep Shining! 

 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

More Than I Can Handle

Perhaps you've heard the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."  I have learned that this simply is not true.  In the past few, difficult years I have thought that God must think that I am stronger than I do because he's giving me a lot to deal with.   I've even had a few well meaning people remind me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

"God does give us more than we can handle.  He wants us to give it back."  

As I feel crushed beneath all of the challenges and heartache I have faced in the past three years I can't handle it all.  As more keeps getting piled on to the already heavy burden I am carrying I feel crushed beneath it.  I have learned that God does give us more than we can handle.  God gives us more than we can handle so that we will give our worries to him.

"We can't do it all."  

As a child I am told that I would often say, "I'll do it mineself!" complete with hands on my hips.  I am still strong-willed, stubborn, and independent.  I still like to do things myself.  But that is not God's way.  He calls us to be dependent on him.  Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. Psalm 55:22 NKJV

We need help from God.  The more that I lay my burdens at his feet the more peace I feel. This is no easy task for a fiercely independent person.  I have to remind myself daily to lay my troubles, worries, and anxieties on the Lord.  This is why he gives us more than we can handle.  Until we have more than we can handle we tend to think that we can handle everything by ourselves.  

There is so much that is bigger than we can handle alone: grief, mental illness, domestic violence, career choices, family illness, cancer, and the list could go on.  All of these and more need to be given to God.  They are simply too heavy for us to carry alone.

Last Sunday we heard the Gospel John 4:1-30 which told us the account of Jesus talking with the Samaritan woman at the well.  It was pointed out that the woman left her bucket, which was symbolic of her worries and burdens at the well when she went to tell others about Jesus.  Jesus wants us to leave our buckets at the well.  He will give us living water so that we no longer thirst when we do.

In 2 Corinthians Paul wrote about troubles in Asia.  In fact, we expected to die.  But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.  2 Corinthians 1:9.  They had to stop relying on themselves and rely only on God in order to live.  We must do the same if we want to live, if we want to let our lights shine.  Without giving our problems to God we will be crushed under our troubles.  When we are being crushed our light begins to dim.

Let Your Light SHINE!  Give your worries, troubles, burdens, and anxieties to God.  Do this daily and willingly without taking them back.  Pray and listen and you will receive an answer; perhaps not in your timetable, but in God's.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Broken

As Valentine's Day draws near we see hearts everywhere.  Some are red and shiny and others are pink, or purple.  We rarely see broken hearts in stores, but they can be seen on faces all around.  We see broken hearts in middle and high schools where a girl silently awaits a flower from her crush, that never arrives.  In elementary schools we see broken hearts from children that forget their Valentine's or whose parents couldn't afford them.  In work places we see broken hearts from those whose marriages are struggling, or who are single, but searching for the right person.  On Valentine's day hearts are noticed, and if you look you can see the broken hearts as well.

But, what about the other 364 days of the year?  Do we remember to tell people we love them on other days?  Do we notice "hearts" and broken hearts on the other days?

Recently, our oldest daughter, who is struggling with mental illness, was drawing and writing:

"I'm cracked, not broken."  

I loved it and it made me think.  So often we feel like we have to be whole and happy to shine our light for others.  We believe that if we have a few cracks we are broken.  Broken means not working, and needing to be fixed.  Cracks don't mean we need to be fixed, they make us who we are.  They are the cracks through which our light can shine.

The truth is, we're all cracked.  

We all have cracks from heart ache, death, pain, disappointment, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, and so much more.  There are many things that break and crack our hearts.  If we focus on the cracks of our broken hearts and keep them dark there is no room for the light to get through.  We must focus on the good that comes from these cracks, and let our light shine through them.

Light shines best through a cracked heart.    

When you look at a heart with light shining through all of the cracks you can see multiple beams of light shining in multiple directions.  Light cannot get through a whole heart; one without cracks.  We need to focus light through the cracks of our broken hearts.  Shine your light on others through your brokenness.   Not only will your light help others, it will also brighten your heart.

Shine your light by noticing others, share a Valentine, say "I love you!"  Don't just do these things on February 14, do them all year.  Pick up some extra candy or cards the day after Valentine's Day and give them out randomly throughout the year.   Befriend a widow, or someone with mental illness.  Reach out to someone who is struggling with grief.  Help an overwhelmed single mom.  There are many ways to Let Your Light Shine!   Get creative and shine your light through all of your brokenness; through all of your cracks!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Children with Mental Illness

Everyday parents are devastated as they receive the unimaginable news that their child has a chronic or fatal medical condition.  The word cancer strikes fear into every parent's heart.  Other, more obscure and less known conditions send parent's minds reeling with what to do next.  What is rarely talked about however, is mental illness in children.

As we sat in our second mental health unit discharge meeting for our daughter, two weeks after her first discharge, we asked what we can do for our other kids who are also greatly affected by this.  The psychiatrist asked us what we would do for our other kids if our child had cancer.  That was easy to answer after watching our niece, and her parents and siblings, go through the cancer journey.  When a child has cancer, or other serious illness, they receive community support.  The family is offered the opportunity to go to indoor amusement parks and water parks.  Organizations pay for child care so that the parents can have time together.  There are many programs available to these families in crisis.  But these programs are not available to families dealing with a child with mental illness.  These families get nothing.  The psychiatrist looked at me, and simply agreed; there is no support like this for families that have a child with mental illness.

Children with mental illness are treated very different than children with physical illnesses.  Instead of sitting with our daughter and helping her get better we had to leave her, all alone, at the hospital.  We got to say goodbye, and then we had to walk away.  During the first admission the hospital staff were going to transfer her from the locked behavioral health emergency room to the general emergency room overnight until a bed was ready in the adolescent mental health unit.  No other parent would be asked to leave their sick child in an emergency room by themselves overnight.  I was angry and appalled.  Thankfully a bed opened up before I was made to leave.  During the second admission we did have to leave our daughter in the general emergency room in the middle of the night.  I asked the nurse to have a security guard stationed at her room.  It was only going to be an hour or so until she was moved to a room in the mental health wing, but a lot can happen in a large city emergency room in a short amount of time.

During the second admission a crisis line professional recommended that we bring our daughter to the emergency room.  We were treated as if we were over reacting, and questioned about the necessity of the visit.  A parent of a child with a physical illness would be treated with kindness, even for bringing their child in for the common cold.  The notes from the visit stated "the parents are uncomfortable bringing her home."  Yes, we were!  She needed more help at that moment than we could provide.  Being as she was not discharged until seven days later, the visit was necessary!

During our third visit to the emergency room, which was recommended by our county case manager, I actually yelled at the doctor.  He told our daughter, and repeated to me, that her options were to go home or go to a homeless shelter.  The doctor stated that the hospital can no longer help our daughter, and if we refuse to take her home they would send her to a homeless shelter.  I questioned the doctor about this practice, stating that it is unacceptable to send a suicidal teen to a homeless shelter.  He had the audacity to tell me that our daughter wasn't suicidal.  Being suicidal for the past sixteen hours, having a plan, and having a note written didn't count as being at risk of committing suicide for this doctor.  I told him that our daughter is lucky to have parents that will take her home and monitor her, but what about the kids that don't have parents that will do that?  What do those kids do?

I understand that mental illness is different from other childhood illnesses and it needs to be treated differently.  However, the families and children need compassion, support, and help.  They don't need to be treated like it's their fault.  They don't need to be disbelieved, and questioned about the necessity of the visit.

I am hopeful that the treatment of children with mental illness, their parents, and their siblings improves as Congress passes bills to increase mental health services, increase the number of child psychiatrists and decrease the stigma of mental illness.  The passage of the Helping Families in Mental Health Crisis Act of 2016 brings hope that families will get the help they need.

We are receiving county mental health support for our daughter and our family since her second hospital visit.  This support is helpful and we are thankful for it.  We have many assessments and meetings for these services that are overwhelming, but we are dedicated to do whatever it takes to help our daughter, just as any parent of a child with a physical illness would do.

We have some friends and family that regularly ask how things are going, and offer help.  I am thankful for this.  I appreciate a friend whose response to the news of our daughter's first hospitalization was, "I don't know what to say."  She was honest.  At first it was difficult to talk about our daughter's mental illness, we kept things quiet.  Then I realized that I am a mental health advocate.  I say that we need to talk about it; therefore, I need to talk about it.  Even my husband, who is very private, talks about it now.

Ask yourself if you treat someone with a physical illness and someone with depression the same way.  Do you find yourself using words like courageous and strong for people with a physical illness and words such as lazy and crazy for a person with a mental illness?  If you don't think you have stigma about mental illness take the quiz at the bottom of this page: http://makeitok.org/.

Our daughter that suffers with mental illness is our daughter, even though she is not biologically ours.  We've only had her and her sister since July 2016 and permanent guardianship since September 2016.  During her first hospitalization I looked at my husband and said, "how can we love a child so much that we've only really known for five months?"  While the fact that she is not biologically our child helps to reduce the stigma question of what we did wrong, dealing with her mental illness is still difficult.  I want to take this all away from her.  I want to take away her pain as much as a parent wants to take away the pain from their child suffering from a physical illness.  Although mental illness is treated differently, the pain and the agony are the same.

Let Your Light Shine by ending the stigma of mental illness.  Call or text someone you know that deals with mental illness just to see how they are doing.  Become a member of NAMI and pledge to be stigma free.  Offer support and help for a family dealing with mental illness.  Make blankets or donate stuffed animals to the children and adolescent mental health unit of a hospital.  See the person, not the illness.

So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.  Galations 6:9