Keep Shining!

It seems there is a never ending stream of natural and man-made disasters in the news recently.  As soon as one horrible event begins to dissipate another follows behind it.  It is overwhelming and heartbreaking.  During difficult times it is easy to get caught up in the negative; believing that the world is crumbling around you.  It is difficult to find good and keep hope.  But, it is during these times when it is most important to keep shining. 

Having faced several difficult situations recently, in addition to the national and world events, I have found myself sinking into the darkness.  I have felt alone, afraid, and hopeless.  I have been too busy to write for awhile, and I have not made time for exercise.  I keep moving, keep doing, but I am not taking care of myself.  

I am not taking time to recharge my light, and I can feel it slipping away.

I have had to reach out for help, from my doctor, my counselor, and friends and family.  This is difficult for me to do.  I don't like to ask for help, partly because I don't want to burden others and partly because I am fiercely independent.  I am trying to reach out, to tell people what I need.  This is not an easy task; everyone is simply too busy with life, but I keep asking.  I have to keep shining my light.  I have to have ask for help and find hope.   

It's easy to get discouraged when people take advantage of your kindness, when they target you with allegations, when they out right turn their back to you and reject all that you are trying to give.  But, you must keep shining.  Don't let those around you or the events of the world extinguish your light.  Everyone has a purpose and light to shine for others.  It is important to follow God's plan and purpose.  It is not in His plan for us to live in despair (Psalm 42:11).

Find something to do or someone to talk to that will help you recharge your light and keep shining.  Last week I went to a Chris Tomlin (Christian Musical Artist) concert.  It was just what I needed.  I left feeling recharged and full of hope.  I left knowing that I have a purpose and I need to keep shining.  Whether it's a concert, yoga, time outside, a counselor, a friend, or a spouse, find someway to recharge your light when it begins to dim.  Don't let anyone steal your light! 

When there are mass shootings, devastating hurricanes and fires, nuclear threats, political unrest - keep shining!  When others try to steal your light, take advantage of you, target you, reject you - keep shining!  Even if someone shuts out your light, keep shining!  There are people who need your light and will accept it.  You can not force anyone to accept your help, your love, your light.  All you can do is Keep Shining!  

Keep Shining! 

 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

More Than I Can Handle

Perhaps you've heard the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."  I have learned that this simply is not true.  In the past few, difficult years I have thought that God must think that I am stronger than I do because he's giving me a lot to deal with.   I've even had a few well meaning people remind me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

"God does give us more than we can handle.  He wants us to give it back."  

As I feel crushed beneath all of the challenges and heartache I have faced in the past three years I can't handle it all.  As more keeps getting piled on to the already heavy burden I am carrying I feel crushed beneath it.  I have learned that God does give us more than we can handle.  God gives us more than we can handle so that we will give our worries to him.

"We can't do it all."  

As a child I am told that I would often say, "I'll do it mineself!" complete with hands on my hips.  I am still strong-willed, stubborn, and independent.  I still like to do things myself.  But that is not God's way.  He calls us to be dependent on him.  Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. Psalm 55:22 NKJV

We need help from God.  The more that I lay my burdens at his feet the more peace I feel. This is no easy task for a fiercely independent person.  I have to remind myself daily to lay my troubles, worries, and anxieties on the Lord.  This is why he gives us more than we can handle.  Until we have more than we can handle we tend to think that we can handle everything by ourselves.  

There is so much that is bigger than we can handle alone: grief, mental illness, domestic violence, career choices, family illness, cancer, and the list could go on.  All of these and more need to be given to God.  They are simply too heavy for us to carry alone.

Last Sunday we heard the Gospel John 4:1-30 which told us the account of Jesus talking with the Samaritan woman at the well.  It was pointed out that the woman left her bucket, which was symbolic of her worries and burdens at the well when she went to tell others about Jesus.  Jesus wants us to leave our buckets at the well.  He will give us living water so that we no longer thirst when we do.

In 2 Corinthians Paul wrote about troubles in Asia.  In fact, we expected to die.  But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.  2 Corinthians 1:9.  They had to stop relying on themselves and rely only on God in order to live.  We must do the same if we want to live, if we want to let our lights shine.  Without giving our problems to God we will be crushed under our troubles.  When we are being crushed our light begins to dim.

Let Your Light SHINE!  Give your worries, troubles, burdens, and anxieties to God.  Do this daily and willingly without taking them back.  Pray and listen and you will receive an answer; perhaps not in your timetable, but in God's.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Broken

As Valentine's Day draws near we see hearts everywhere.  Some are red and shiny and others are pink, or purple.  We rarely see broken hearts in stores, but they can be seen on faces all around.  We see broken hearts in middle and high schools where a girl silently awaits a flower from her crush, that never arrives.  In elementary schools we see broken hearts from children that forget their Valentine's or whose parents couldn't afford them.  In work places we see broken hearts from those whose marriages are struggling, or who are single, but searching for the right person.  On Valentine's day hearts are noticed, and if you look you can see the broken hearts as well.

But, what about the other 364 days of the year?  Do we remember to tell people we love them on other days?  Do we notice "hearts" and broken hearts on the other days?

Recently, our oldest daughter, who is struggling with mental illness, was drawing and writing:

"I'm cracked, not broken."  

I loved it and it made me think.  So often we feel like we have to be whole and happy to shine our light for others.  We believe that if we have a few cracks we are broken.  Broken means not working, and needing to be fixed.  Cracks don't mean we need to be fixed, they make us who we are.  They are the cracks through which our light can shine.

The truth is, we're all cracked.  

We all have cracks from heart ache, death, pain, disappointment, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, and so much more.  There are many things that break and crack our hearts.  If we focus on the cracks of our broken hearts and keep them dark there is no room for the light to get through.  We must focus on the good that comes from these cracks, and let our light shine through them.

Light shines best through a cracked heart.    

When you look at a heart with light shining through all of the cracks you can see multiple beams of light shining in multiple directions.  Light cannot get through a whole heart; one without cracks.  We need to focus light through the cracks of our broken hearts.  Shine your light on others through your brokenness.   Not only will your light help others, it will also brighten your heart.

Shine your light by noticing others, share a Valentine, say "I love you!"  Don't just do these things on February 14, do them all year.  Pick up some extra candy or cards the day after Valentine's Day and give them out randomly throughout the year.   Befriend a widow, or someone with mental illness.  Reach out to someone who is struggling with grief.  Help an overwhelmed single mom.  There are many ways to Let Your Light Shine!   Get creative and shine your light through all of your brokenness; through all of your cracks!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Children with Mental Illness

Everyday parents are devastated as they receive the unimaginable news that their child has a chronic or fatal medical condition.  The word cancer strikes fear into every parent's heart.  Other, more obscure and less known conditions send parent's minds reeling with what to do next.  What is rarely talked about however, is mental illness in children.

As we sat in our second mental health unit discharge meeting for our daughter, two weeks after her first discharge, we asked what we can do for our other kids who are also greatly affected by this.  The psychiatrist asked us what we would do for our other kids if our child had cancer.  That was easy to answer after watching our niece, and her parents and siblings, go through the cancer journey.  When a child has cancer, or other serious illness, they receive community support.  The family is offered the opportunity to go to indoor amusement parks and water parks.  Organizations pay for child care so that the parents can have time together.  There are many programs available to these families in crisis.  But these programs are not available to families dealing with a child with mental illness.  These families get nothing.  The psychiatrist looked at me, and simply agreed; there is no support like this for families that have a child with mental illness.

Children with mental illness are treated very different than children with physical illnesses.  Instead of sitting with our daughter and helping her get better we had to leave her, all alone, at the hospital.  We got to say goodbye, and then we had to walk away.  During the first admission the hospital staff were going to transfer her from the locked behavioral health emergency room to the general emergency room overnight until a bed was ready in the adolescent mental health unit.  No other parent would be asked to leave their sick child in an emergency room by themselves overnight.  I was angry and appalled.  Thankfully a bed opened up before I was made to leave.  During the second admission we did have to leave our daughter in the general emergency room in the middle of the night.  I asked the nurse to have a security guard stationed at her room.  It was only going to be an hour or so until she was moved to a room in the mental health wing, but a lot can happen in a large city emergency room in a short amount of time.

During the second admission a crisis line professional recommended that we bring our daughter to the emergency room.  We were treated as if we were over reacting, and questioned about the necessity of the visit.  A parent of a child with a physical illness would be treated with kindness, even for bringing their child in for the common cold.  The notes from the visit stated "the parents are uncomfortable bringing her home."  Yes, we were!  She needed more help at that moment than we could provide.  Being as she was not discharged until seven days later, the visit was necessary!

During our third visit to the emergency room, which was recommended by our county case manager, I actually yelled at the doctor.  He told our daughter, and repeated to me, that her options were to go home or go to a homeless shelter.  The doctor stated that the hospital can no longer help our daughter, and if we refuse to take her home they would send her to a homeless shelter.  I questioned the doctor about this practice, stating that it is unacceptable to send a suicidal teen to a homeless shelter.  He had the audacity to tell me that our daughter wasn't suicidal.  Being suicidal for the past sixteen hours, having a plan, and having a note written didn't count as being at risk of committing suicide for this doctor.  I told him that our daughter is lucky to have parents that will take her home and monitor her, but what about the kids that don't have parents that will do that?  What do those kids do?

I understand that mental illness is different from other childhood illnesses and it needs to be treated differently.  However, the families and children need compassion, support, and help.  They don't need to be treated like it's their fault.  They don't need to be disbelieved, and questioned about the necessity of the visit.

I am hopeful that the treatment of children with mental illness, their parents, and their siblings improves as Congress passes bills to increase mental health services, increase the number of child psychiatrists and decrease the stigma of mental illness.  The passage of the Helping Families in Mental Health Crisis Act of 2016 brings hope that families will get the help they need.

We are receiving county mental health support for our daughter and our family since her second hospital visit.  This support is helpful and we are thankful for it.  We have many assessments and meetings for these services that are overwhelming, but we are dedicated to do whatever it takes to help our daughter, just as any parent of a child with a physical illness would do.

We have some friends and family that regularly ask how things are going, and offer help.  I am thankful for this.  I appreciate a friend whose response to the news of our daughter's first hospitalization was, "I don't know what to say."  She was honest.  At first it was difficult to talk about our daughter's mental illness, we kept things quiet.  Then I realized that I am a mental health advocate.  I say that we need to talk about it; therefore, I need to talk about it.  Even my husband, who is very private, talks about it now.

Ask yourself if you treat someone with a physical illness and someone with depression the same way.  Do you find yourself using words like courageous and strong for people with a physical illness and words such as lazy and crazy for a person with a mental illness?  If you don't think you have stigma about mental illness take the quiz at the bottom of this page: http://makeitok.org/.

Our daughter that suffers with mental illness is our daughter, even though she is not biologically ours.  We've only had her and her sister since July 2016 and permanent guardianship since September 2016.  During her first hospitalization I looked at my husband and said, "how can we love a child so much that we've only really known for five months?"  While the fact that she is not biologically our child helps to reduce the stigma question of what we did wrong, dealing with her mental illness is still difficult.  I want to take this all away from her.  I want to take away her pain as much as a parent wants to take away the pain from their child suffering from a physical illness.  Although mental illness is treated differently, the pain and the agony are the same.

Let Your Light Shine by ending the stigma of mental illness.  Call or text someone you know that deals with mental illness just to see how they are doing.  Become a member of NAMI and pledge to be stigma free.  Offer support and help for a family dealing with mental illness.  Make blankets or donate stuffed animals to the children and adolescent mental health unit of a hospital.  See the person, not the illness.

So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.  Galations 6:9

Do Something

Five months ago a vacation changed our lives.  My husband and I brought two girls home with us after visiting family in a different state.  The plan was to provide them with a vacation and show them more of the country.  After two and a half weeks it was decided that they would stay with us.  We could provide them with a loving home, three brothers, stability, a good education, and opportunities they had never had.

Deciding to add these two girls (ages 8 & 13) to our family was an easy decision for us; even the boys (ages 9, 11, & 13) agreed.  In the week leading up to this decision we prayed for these girls.  They had spent their lives being shuffled around and experiencing things that children should not experience.  Living with us was a new start for them.

The first few weeks were difficult.  Someone often went to bed crying, sometimes me.  We continue to have ups and downs.  We are beginning to experience the result of the difficult past the girls have had.  Everyone has sacrificed.  We know that the sacrifice we are making is providing these girls with a chance at a good life, even life itself.

As we see friends and family, meet new teachers, doctors, and other community members we have had to explain the situation many times.  Without telling people that the girls had a tough life they immediately infer that part of the story.  Kids don't get a legal guardian unless the parents are not fit to take care of the them.  Many people have been amazed at what we are doing.  We have heard many compliments.

"You guys are amazing."

"You are an inspiration."

"You guys have a special spot in heaven."

"Wow! You two are life savers."

"They are lucky to have you."

All of these people mean well and we appreciate their support.  However, we do not feel that we are amazing, inspirational, or anything extraordinary.  We did what needed to be done and we feel blessed that we are able to do this.

The girls are as good for us as we are for them.  Our oldest son has learned to talk to girls. All the kids have learned more about patience and compromise.  The boys have learned to be more thankful for their life.  I have learned how to share.  I used to be the only female in the house.  Now, my makeup gets used, my shoes disappear, and I'm running out of hair binders.  

When people ask my husband about this big change he often replies, "life was getting too easy."  Life is anything but easy now.  As we are learning new ways to parent we know that this is God's plan and He will help us through it.  

There are many children in the world that need help. We sponsor a child in India through World Vision. The war in Allepo is devastating to all and is harming children. I believe in helping all people, but in doing so some people forget about the ones that are the closest. Mother Teresa said, "Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home."  Children and families in the United States need help too. We are blessed to have many programs in place to help, but people are still falling through the cracks. People are still struggling.

"On any given day, there are approximately 415,000 children in foster care in the United States." (1) "About 15 million children in the United States – 21% of all children – live in families with incomes below the federal poverty threshold." (2) "More than 700,000 children are abused in the U.S annually." (3) Statistics can provide information, but until you know children in these situations you can not truly understand it.

At times we get frustrated by the comments about how amazing we are because we feel that everyone can do something. Not everyone can take in two new children, be foster parents, or donate large amounts of money or time. But, everyone can do something to help others. That's what this blog is about - Letting Your Light Shine! You may not be able to take in additional children, but you can do something!

Instead of admiring what we have done, find something that you can do. Here are some ideas:

• Offer to watch stressed out parents’ kids for the evening so that they can have a date night.

• Donate extra school supplies to a school, especially in January when supplies are getting low.

• Buy an extra book and give it to the school or clinic to give to a child that doesn't have any books at home.

• Purchase an extra pair of mittens or a hat and give it to the school for a child in need.

• Purchase extra underwear and socks for children and give them to the school.

• Ask for a list from teachers of what they need, or what students need.

• Volunteer at a school, shelter, daycare, or nursing home.  The people that work in these places are often overworked and could use help.

• Bring a meal to a family that is busy, or struggling.

• Pray for people - don't just say you will, actually do it.

• Invite a child that may not be friends with your child to your child's birthday party - it may be the only one they get to go to.

• Report child abuse and neglect - don't just "mind your own business."

Many of these things are simple, have little to no cost, and don't take a lot of time.   Many people give food to food shelves or donate toys during the holidays.  I challenge you to do something more in the new year, get out of your comfort zone and get creative.  Let Your Light Shine!

"Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven, And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me." Matthew 18:4-5

(1) 2014 Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (AFCARS)

(2) United States Census reports

(3) National Children's Alliance

Add Purple to the Pink

In addition to Breast Cancer Awareness October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  According to breastcancer.org an individual woman has a 1-in-8 chance of developing breast cancer over an 80-year lifespan.  The CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey  reports 1 in 5 women have been victims of physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.  Domestic violence is more common than breast cancer.   


I am not saying that breast cancer should not get attention.  The research that has been funded by breast cancer awareness has benefited all forms of cancer.  My grandma passed away from complications of lung cancer, my cousin, great-aunt, and friend/colleague are survivors of breast cancer, and my four year old niece is in remission from leukemia.   My family has certainly been affected by cancer.   


My first draft of this post was full of data and statistics like these those above.  There are many, many more.  When my computer froze and all of the numbers and information was deleted I decided to take a different approach.  

Allow me to tell you a story.  

This is a story of a young woman who battled mental illness for years.  She was constantly picked on for being overweight.  She never had a boyfriend.  For a time she thought that she was a lesbian. This woman went through gastric bypass surgery and started a healthy life. She was working, and living on her own.  

One day, this woman met a man in an online chat room.  She thought that he was her Knight in Shining Armour.  She moved across the country to be with him, despite her family's warnings.  She kept in touch and slowly started sinking back into weight gain and major depression.  She and this man moved to another state to live with his father and daughter.  

This woman came home for the holidays one year and ended up checking into the mental health wing of a hospital. She called the man and he told her not to come back.  She was devastated, destroyed.  She rarely smiled for the next year.  

Next, she began to lose weight and exercise again, but it wasn't in a healthy manner.  Her family questioned her because they were concerned.  She decided that they didn't understand her and left a month earlier than planned to to go back and live with this man thousands of miles away from her family.  

The woman called her family, and kept in touch online.  But then it all ended, her phone was disconnected, her Facebook page was gone.  No one could find her.  The family prayed; hoping she would come back to them one day as she always had before.  

Then, the phone call came.  The call that changed everyone's life forever.  The man had shot this woman in the back of her neck.  She was paralyzed and in a coma.  No one knew if she would make it.  

The woman woke up, but couldn't move.  The family fought to get her back home for medical care. She came home, worked hard in rehab, and defied the odds.  She was walking again, with assistance.  But she wanted to walk independently, she wanted to run. Everyday she managed excruciating nerve pain from the bullet fragments that were too close to her spinal cord to remove.  

With time the family learned more about what had happened to this woman that they loved. Information relayed by the woman to her sisters was so horrible they could not repeat it. The woman had been controlled, and tortured both physically and mentally for a year.  The other people that lived in the house where this violence occurred ignored the cries; they ignored the signs. It was none of their business.  A doctor did not question her bruises, he just let her go back for more.  She had physical and mental scars that would never heal.  


One day another phone call came. This one would have no happy ending, no healing.  This call told the family that the woman had ended her life.  She couldn't bear his voices in her head any longer.  She couldn't bear the nerve pain one more day. The extreme domestic violence had overcome her, even with the man in jail thousands of miles away.  

This woman's name is Nicole, and she is my sister.  Her story of domestic violence is one of many.  I could fill this page with statistics, but you can google them as well as I can.  Instead of statistics remember Nicole.    

Remember her when you wonder why a woman doesn't just leave.  Remember her when you think you should mind your own business and not get involved.  Remember her when you think this couldn't possibly happen in your middle class white family.  Remember her when you think that no one you know has experienced domestic violence or sexual assault. Remember Nicole.   


Breast cancer awareness and research is important; but, we can not continue to ignore the problem of domestic violence and sexual assault.  We need to add purple to the pink in October.  We need to talk about the problem. People need to know the stories.  

Let Your Light Shine!  Wear purple, post in social media, offer help to someone in an abusive relationship without judgement, volunteer at or donate to a local domestic violence shelter.  Take a look at the awareness ideas at the following sites and Let Your Light Shine! 

       

Bullying, Mental Health and Suicide

Imagine being told to go kill yourself.  How would you react?  How long would that haunt your thoughts?  What if you already had those thoughts?  How much would these words hurt?

I recently learned that a girl told our thirteen year old daughter to go kill herself.  I was appalled that an eighth grader would say such a thing!  No one should say that to anyone!  In my teaching years I have heard that kids have said this to others before.  This time it hit home.  This time it was MY daughter.  I am still shocked and angered that young kids talk this way.  Do they understand the pain that this can cause?  Do they understand the long term scars that words can leave?  

It's ironic that this information came on the day that we did an activity about negative comments in one of my classes.  It has been said that it takes five positive comments to counteract one negative comment.  The San Joaquin County Office of Education put together several articles that refer to this ratio.  Today in one of my classes students were asked to volunteer to share a negative thought about themselves or their life.  When they did this they placed a quarter into a glass.  I then asked other students to take a nickle from my hand and give a positive comment to the student and then place the nickel in the glass.  This helped students to start thinking about changing their negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  

There have been copious news stories about kids that have been bullied and then attempt, or complete suicide.  The National Voices for Equality, Education, and Enlightenment site shared a statistic from the American Association of Suicidology that reported, "Suicide rates among 10 to 14-year-olds have grown more than 50 percent over the last three decades." The Bullying Statistics site reported, "A study in Britain found that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying and 10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for suicide."  

A fifty percent increase in suicide is unacceptable! I don't remember anyone ever telling someone to kill themselves when I was in school.  Bullying happened, but not to that extent.  It's no wonder that bullying is a larger issue now.  When my parents were in school bullying would end with a schoolyard fight and it was over.  Today teens are told to kill themselves and constantly bombarded with horrible message through technology.

Bullying is not only linked to suicide, but also to increased long term depression and anxiety. Bullying Statistics states, "Both bullies and their victims are more likely to suffer from depression than youth who are not involved in bullying. This connection can be long-lasting; people who are bullied as children are more likely to suffer from depression as an adult than children not involved in bullying." 

With these staggering statistics we can not sit idly by and say that "kids will be kids."  I was bullied in school.  The worst situation is still a clear memory in my mind twenty-six years later.  I was also the captain of the cross-country, and track teams and cheerleading squad.  I was the editor of the school paper and yearbook.  I was the secretary of my class.  I was thin, athletic, and smart.  I was still bullied.  

My sister, Nicole, was bullied to the point that she no longer saw value in herself.  She was bullied in elementary, junior high, high school, college, and as an adult.  This all lead up to her vulnerability for an evil man to manipulate and control her.  She had no value in herself after all of the abuse and bullying that she took.  No amount of positives could make up for her negatives.  

If you know about a bully, whether a student, an adult in the workplace, or someone in an abusive relationship, stand up.  Let Your Light Shine in whatever way that you can.  Approach the situation, write a letter, or help the person being bullied. Wednesday, October 19 is Unity Day against bullying.  Wear orange, hang up a poster, post on social media.  Statistics clearly show that if we want to end suicide, and decrease mental illness we need to also end bullying.  To end bullying we must ALL Let Our Light Shine!