What to Say

I want to provide suggestions regarding what to do and say to people after a tragic loss. I have been reading posts from well meaning people on a friend's wall after her son died in a tragic car crash.  Some of the posts just make me cringe.  I know all too well how some comments can actually have a negative effect on people.  

Do not tell someone that their loved one is "in a better place".  At one point after my sister's death it was comforting to think of her in a better place, meaning heaven.  Why don't people just say that?  He/She is in heaven.  Why do we say a better place?  While the thought of Nicole being in heaven was comforting at one point, by the end of the visitation I wanted to punch the next person to say that.  I pray that she is in heaven, but I want her here!  I know it's selfish.  Heaven is better than earth.  However, in the moment, all you want is for the person to be back in your life.  

I have read many posts that say RIP or the actual full words Rest In Peace.  This is not comforting.  It's horrifying. This is what is on headstones in old movies.  It means death.  Yes, I know the person has died, but when you are in the grief cycle, and cycling rapidly, often landing on bargaining and denial you do not want to see those words, and especially not the letters.  

It is a social norm to ask a person how they are doing when you greet them.  Do your best not to ask that question when a person has just tragically lost a loved one.  They will reply, "okay." or "I'm hanging in there."  When people asked me how I was doing I wanted to scream, "How the hell do you think I'm doing?!  "What kind of question is that?"  I wanted to tell people how not fine I was.  But, instead I responded with the typical, "I'm okay."  Even when I started to feel okay I felt guilty for being okay.  I felt like I should mourn for the rest of my life.   

I have asked people what I can do after a loss, or tragic news.  I now know that the question, "What can I do?" is not a good one to ask.  For weeks after my sister's death I could not think.  I certainly could not think about what I needed.  People dropping off food was great.  When we arrived at my parent's house their refrigerator was pretty empty.  By the end of the next day it was full.  It was great to not think about what to have for a meal.  We weren't picky at the time.  What ever was provided, we ate.  It was there and required no thinking, just reheating.  My mom would not have ate for the first few days if we had not been there.  Whenever my growing boys needed to eat we all sat down for a meal. We often sat for a long time after we finished eating, just discussing the next steps or reminiscing.  This being said, sometimes gift cards are better; they don't go bad and require no clean up.  It really depends on the family, just ask.  

Instead of asking, "What can I do?", tell them what you will do.  It seems pushy, but the family has enough to think about.  I thought my head was going to explode planning the funeral and all of the decisions that had to be made.  I'm glad that my sister, brother and I were there to help our parents.  Funeral arrangements are very overwhelming.  Tell the person/family, "I'll come over and mow the lawn." or "I'll stop by and tidy up your house."  Offer to take young children and do something fun with them.  I greatly appreciated a friend who simply said "I'm coming over and taking you out."  I have a friend that I knew I could call and ask her to come over and she'd come.  I asked another friend that I worked with to call our boss, because I simply couldn't.  

      

If an obituary says "In lieu of flowers..." please honor that request.  Flowers are nice, but they too die.  If you must send flowers, send a plant that can be kept or replanted outside.  If the death is a suicide money is needed to cover funeral costs.  I can't believe how expensive a funeral and all of the arrangements are.  Thankfully, a co-worker asked me if we wanted flowers or money.  I was honest and told her money, there was no life insurance.  They were very generous.       

Sharing memories is a great way to mourn with someone.  At my sister's visitation a former roommate made a long drive to attend.  He told us that he would never forget her laugh.  This made me sob uncontrollably, but it was also comforting.  People will remember her.  A former teacher and coach shared some fun memories that made us laugh.  Memories are comforting, even when they cause people to cry.  It was touching and supportive when family and friends came from over an hour away to be with us, to offer their support, and to enjoy the pictures we had out.     

The people that I appreciated the most would simply say, "I don't know what to say. I am so sorry." and give me a hug.  That's what I really wanted.  I wanted other people to be as confused and without words as I was.  In the past when I faced a loss, I would write a poem, or simply write.  This time I had nothing.  I had nothing to say, nothing to write.  When I read what I posted on Facebook to share her passing I cringe.  I don't like how it reads now.  At the time it's all I could muster. I desperately wanted to write a beautiful eulogy or poem.  I couldn't do it.  The words would not come.  There is something comforting in knowing that others are also without words.  

Hug or, or don't hug.  Some people want hugs all day.  Others get sick of people touching them and just need to be left alone for awhile.  My husband was my rock through the loss of my sister.  He was always right by my side.  Most of the time I was snuggled up to his side.  But, there were times when I just needed to have space.  If someone is standing outside, stand near them, but give them space.  They are probably trying to get air.  After my sister's funeral I bolted outside.  I felt suffocated in the church and just needed some air and some space.  My friend said after she lost her mother she had to take a shower when she got home from the visitation because too many people touched her.  Everyone is different.  When in doubt, ask.   

Know that the person who lost a loved one will go through the grief cycle many times.  I cycled through so many times, I lost count.  I went from anger to bargaining to depression in the matter of an hour.  Some people get stuck in one stage.  Let the person grieve.  If they get stuck help them to see it and get out of it.  Saying, "You're stuck in the anger stage.  You need to let the anger go." will not help.  Instead say, "You seem to be angry.  Do you want to talk about it?"  Then, listen, even if it's scary, listen.  Talking about the anger may be all the person needs to let go of it.  This is the same for any stage of grief.

Don't be afraid to just sit with someone. Sometimes they will want to talk about the loss, sometimes they will want to talk about anything but.  Let them lead, give them hugs, just be there.  Do not use cliches such as:

"Time heals."  At the moment it feels like it will never get better.  There will always be the loss.  The person just needs to slowly get back to life.

"Just stay busy."  This is actually bad advice.  I had no choice but to stay busy, and this lead to not being able to process.  It took me talking to a counselor and talking through the entire story to actually process everything.  

"Everything happens for a reason."  While this may be true, it is not helpful to hear at the time.  The reason cannot be seen in the midst of grief.  It may be visible later, but it is not in the moment, and this statement is just maddening.  

"God only gives you what you can handle."  At the time the person doesn't know if they can handle the loss.  They take it day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute.  Instead, tell the person you will pray for them.  You will pray for peace, and strength.  Then, do it.  Don't just pay lip service to praying, actually do it.  Prayers create healing.