Peace

The morning of July 3, 2016 was overcast with a light drizzle.  I awoke at 6:00 am to go for a run.  I grabbed a protein bar and got dressed as quietly as possible as to not wake anyone up.  I headed out of the cabin we were staying at in Kentucky and headed down the mountain.  The drive up was steep, and the walk down was tricky.  At the bottom I started my runkeeper app and started out.  The run was good, and there was little traffic. I mentally prepared myself for the longest run I had ever done.  In high school, I often ran up to five miles when I participated in track and cross country.  I had run two 10K races, which is 6.2 miles.  Until today I had never run 7 miles at one time.  But, here I was on the road in Kentucky, with no shoulder, running to one of my favorite spots from childhood.  Nada Tunnel was one of my favorite places to visit with my mom when we were younger.  Yesterday, when trying to find a trail in the Red River Gorge area, I decided to clock how far it was from the Nada Tunnel back to our cabin.  It was exactly 3.5 miles.  Round trip would be 7 miles.  This is the route I ran on this morning.  As I ran I thought about the events to come that day.  I enjoyed the run and it prepared me for the event to come.

On this morning we prepared to lay Nicole's ashes to rest in the family cemetery on the top of a mountain in southeastern Kentucky.

When I arrived back at the cabin from my run everyone was awake and preparing for the day.  We made salads for the picnic after the ceremony.  We got dressed and packed up.  We headed south to the family cemetery, an hour and a half away.

When we arrived some family was already there.  I greeted cousins I hadn't seen in years.  I introduced my family to those they had not met.  Soon, it was time to walk up the mountain to the cemetery.  I don't know whether to call these places mountains or really big hills. My mom, who grew up in Kentucky calls them mountains.  We are at the beginning of Appalachia, so I will call them mountains.

As we made our way up the mountain I went over the poem I had written so that I could get through it without sobbing.  We began the ceremony that I and my mom had worked on for weeks, trying to make it meaningful, but not too long.  There was some confusion about who was going to read what, and the last verse of Amazing Grace that I downloaded was not the same as the traditional hymn.  I read my poem, without completely melting down.  My brother placed the dirt over the box of ashes.

When the ceremony was complete the family began to walk back to the house.  My husband walked back with the boys.  I took a few pictures and then stood there.  I stood there with my mom, dad, brother, and sister and a feeling of peace came over me.  Nicole was finally at rest.  She was at rest below a shade tree on the top of the mountain.  I could see her watching over us all from up there.  We gathered the shovel and began to walk back to the house.  I looked at my mom and told her that I had a profound sense of peace.  She also felt it.  I had been praying for peace for all of us and now we had it.

Nicole's life was difficult.  It was full of emotional and physical pain.  Now she was resting.  She wasn't hurting.  She could watch us all from the mountain.  The peace brought us all closer.  I haven't cried as much since that day.  I still miss Nicole, I still talk to her, but I have some peace now; because she is at peace.

If you have suffered a loss, or you are suffering physically, or emotionally do something to find peace.  Write a letter, spend some time in nature, talk to someone, write your story, create a memorial, go to church, read the Bible, talk to God.  

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

What to Say

I want to provide suggestions regarding what to do and say to people after a tragic loss. I have been reading posts from well meaning people on a friend's wall after her son died in a tragic car crash.  Some of the posts just make me cringe.  I know all too well how some comments can actually have a negative effect on people.  

Do not tell someone that their loved one is "in a better place".  At one point after my sister's death it was comforting to think of her in a better place, meaning heaven.  Why don't people just say that?  He/She is in heaven.  Why do we say a better place?  While the thought of Nicole being in heaven was comforting at one point, by the end of the visitation I wanted to punch the next person to say that.  I pray that she is in heaven, but I want her here!  I know it's selfish.  Heaven is better than earth.  However, in the moment, all you want is for the person to be back in your life.  

I have read many posts that say RIP or the actual full words Rest In Peace.  This is not comforting.  It's horrifying. This is what is on headstones in old movies.  It means death.  Yes, I know the person has died, but when you are in the grief cycle, and cycling rapidly, often landing on bargaining and denial you do not want to see those words, and especially not the letters.  

It is a social norm to ask a person how they are doing when you greet them.  Do your best not to ask that question when a person has just tragically lost a loved one.  They will reply, "okay." or "I'm hanging in there."  When people asked me how I was doing I wanted to scream, "How the hell do you think I'm doing?!  "What kind of question is that?"  I wanted to tell people how not fine I was.  But, instead I responded with the typical, "I'm okay."  Even when I started to feel okay I felt guilty for being okay.  I felt like I should mourn for the rest of my life.   

I have asked people what I can do after a loss, or tragic news.  I now know that the question, "What can I do?" is not a good one to ask.  For weeks after my sister's death I could not think.  I certainly could not think about what I needed.  People dropping off food was great.  When we arrived at my parent's house their refrigerator was pretty empty.  By the end of the next day it was full.  It was great to not think about what to have for a meal.  We weren't picky at the time.  What ever was provided, we ate.  It was there and required no thinking, just reheating.  My mom would not have ate for the first few days if we had not been there.  Whenever my growing boys needed to eat we all sat down for a meal. We often sat for a long time after we finished eating, just discussing the next steps or reminiscing.  This being said, sometimes gift cards are better; they don't go bad and require no clean up.  It really depends on the family, just ask.  

Instead of asking, "What can I do?", tell them what you will do.  It seems pushy, but the family has enough to think about.  I thought my head was going to explode planning the funeral and all of the decisions that had to be made.  I'm glad that my sister, brother and I were there to help our parents.  Funeral arrangements are very overwhelming.  Tell the person/family, "I'll come over and mow the lawn." or "I'll stop by and tidy up your house."  Offer to take young children and do something fun with them.  I greatly appreciated a friend who simply said "I'm coming over and taking you out."  I have a friend that I knew I could call and ask her to come over and she'd come.  I asked another friend that I worked with to call our boss, because I simply couldn't.  

      

If an obituary says "In lieu of flowers..." please honor that request.  Flowers are nice, but they too die.  If you must send flowers, send a plant that can be kept or replanted outside.  If the death is a suicide money is needed to cover funeral costs.  I can't believe how expensive a funeral and all of the arrangements are.  Thankfully, a co-worker asked me if we wanted flowers or money.  I was honest and told her money, there was no life insurance.  They were very generous.       

Sharing memories is a great way to mourn with someone.  At my sister's visitation a former roommate made a long drive to attend.  He told us that he would never forget her laugh.  This made me sob uncontrollably, but it was also comforting.  People will remember her.  A former teacher and coach shared some fun memories that made us laugh.  Memories are comforting, even when they cause people to cry.  It was touching and supportive when family and friends came from over an hour away to be with us, to offer their support, and to enjoy the pictures we had out.     

The people that I appreciated the most would simply say, "I don't know what to say. I am so sorry." and give me a hug.  That's what I really wanted.  I wanted other people to be as confused and without words as I was.  In the past when I faced a loss, I would write a poem, or simply write.  This time I had nothing.  I had nothing to say, nothing to write.  When I read what I posted on Facebook to share her passing I cringe.  I don't like how it reads now.  At the time it's all I could muster. I desperately wanted to write a beautiful eulogy or poem.  I couldn't do it.  The words would not come.  There is something comforting in knowing that others are also without words.  

Hug or, or don't hug.  Some people want hugs all day.  Others get sick of people touching them and just need to be left alone for awhile.  My husband was my rock through the loss of my sister.  He was always right by my side.  Most of the time I was snuggled up to his side.  But, there were times when I just needed to have space.  If someone is standing outside, stand near them, but give them space.  They are probably trying to get air.  After my sister's funeral I bolted outside.  I felt suffocated in the church and just needed some air and some space.  My friend said after she lost her mother she had to take a shower when she got home from the visitation because too many people touched her.  Everyone is different.  When in doubt, ask.   

Know that the person who lost a loved one will go through the grief cycle many times.  I cycled through so many times, I lost count.  I went from anger to bargaining to depression in the matter of an hour.  Some people get stuck in one stage.  Let the person grieve.  If they get stuck help them to see it and get out of it.  Saying, "You're stuck in the anger stage.  You need to let the anger go." will not help.  Instead say, "You seem to be angry.  Do you want to talk about it?"  Then, listen, even if it's scary, listen.  Talking about the anger may be all the person needs to let go of it.  This is the same for any stage of grief.

Don't be afraid to just sit with someone. Sometimes they will want to talk about the loss, sometimes they will want to talk about anything but.  Let them lead, give them hugs, just be there.  Do not use cliches such as:

"Time heals."  At the moment it feels like it will never get better.  There will always be the loss.  The person just needs to slowly get back to life.

"Just stay busy."  This is actually bad advice.  I had no choice but to stay busy, and this lead to not being able to process.  It took me talking to a counselor and talking through the entire story to actually process everything.  

"Everything happens for a reason."  While this may be true, it is not helpful to hear at the time.  The reason cannot be seen in the midst of grief.  It may be visible later, but it is not in the moment, and this statement is just maddening.  

"God only gives you what you can handle."  At the time the person doesn't know if they can handle the loss.  They take it day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute.  Instead, tell the person you will pray for them.  You will pray for peace, and strength.  Then, do it.  Don't just pay lip service to praying, actually do it.  Prayers create healing.  

Let Your Light Shine!

This blog is dedicated to the memory of my sister, Nicole.  Nicole had a bright light to shine, but it was dimmed too soon.  Nicole had a way of laughing that made everyone else laugh.  She was passionate and had a big heart.  Nicole had so much to give, but she got stuck in mental illness, and domestic violence.  On April 29, 2016 she could no longer see any light and she ended her life.

This blog will provide motivation and encouragement to Let Your Light Shine.  Everyone has light to shine for others.  Each person needs to find the best way to shine their light.  When your light begins to dim you need to recharge your own light in order to continue to shine.  Those who can no longer recharge their light and find themselves in unending darkness need the light of others even more.  

Those that are experiencing mental illness, domestic violence, and suicidal thoughts still have light to shine.  If all people will let their light shine we can make this world a better place.  We can provide more support for people with mental illness, end domestic violence, and help those that are feeling suicidal to continue life.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16 KJV

Let Your Light Shine

So much to give, so much to share

Her laugh, her smile, her heart was so big

Her light was taken much too soon

The darkness came in and would not go

She tried so hard, but suffered much

Her light was dimmed by forces unknown

Though the darkness creeps in

Let Your Light Shine

When the times get tough

Let Your Light Shine

Let Nicole’s light not go out in vain

Let Your Light Shine to all

Michelle Uetz