Carol McCloud and Karen Wells wrote a fabulous book called Have You Filled A Bucket Today: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids. This book, and the two others in the series, have been used in schools and other environments, for children and adults to encourage giving, caring, and sharing kindness and appreciation of others to make this world a happier place for everyone. I worked at a school district that used this book to encourage one another including students, teachers, administrators, and support staff. I still have the paper, in the form of a water droplet, hand written by the superintendent that I received in my first year there. I keep this, and a few other small items that I received from students, in a special file that I take out when I need encouragement. Kindness and appreciation from others, as well as giving it to others, fills my bucket and it probably fills yours too.
Children who experience trauma are more likely to have attachment issues, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, attention deficit disorders, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, developmental delays, and aggression. All of these challenges make it difficult to keep water, aka happiness, in their buckets/lives.
But, what happens when there are holes in that bucket?What happens when there are holes created by significant childhood trauma, that permanently damaged the bucket? How does one hold that water, the kindness and appreciation given by others, in a bucket with holes? How can one give kindness and appreciation when there are holes in the bucket?
Children who experience trauma are more likely to have attachment issues, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, attention deficit disorders, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, developmental delays, and aggression. All of these challenges make it difficult to keep water, aka happiness, in their buckets/lives.
Imagine holes in an aluminum bucket, like the one in the picture. There is a hole for the times that the child was left in the same diaper for twenty-four hours. There is a hole for the times when the child was left to cry from hunger pains, without getting fed. There is a hole in the bucket for each time the child was hit, slapped, punched, beat. There are holes for each time the child saw his/her parent using drugs, or passed out due to drugs. There is a hole for the time the child had to call 911, or do CPR for the parent. There is a hole for each time the child was passed on to someone else to be cared for. There is a hole in the bucket for each of these traumas, and more. Once a child experiences a significant trauma the effect of lesser traumas is greater. When there is a large hole in the bucket, there is a greater chance that the next small hole will make the large one even larger.
In addition to having holes in the bucket, and adding holes that could make others larger, the more you move that holey bucket around, the more water you lose. Think about that. If you set a holey bucket on a surface and leave it alone, the water will slowly leak out. But, if you move it and jostle it, the water will leak out faster. A study of children in foster care in Rhode Island suggests that half of all children experience at least one placement change while in care with infants changing placements least, and the risk of placement change increasing with the child’s age (Connell, 2006). Children who experience trauma are often placed into foster care. These children are then moved and jostled, causing their buckets to empty and a decrease in happiness which leads to many significant problems.
There has been a 3% increase in the number of children in foster homes from 2015-2017 and at least half of the states in the U.S. have seen their foster care capacity decrease (Kelly 2017). Kelly also reported that federal and state officials have attributed the increasing foster care totals to substance abuse, particularly opioid abuse by parents (2017). With the rise of children in foster care, the deficit in the number of foster homes available, and the frequent changes in placement in foster homes the buckets of these children are jostled and emptied. This leaves the child empty, and unable to hold happiness.
The foster parents, relatives that take custody of children in the kinship program, teachers, therapists, social workers, and all of the other well meaning adults in the child’s life pour love, kindness, support, help, and time into these children. But, it doesn’t help; the water all leaks out through the holes that are in these children’s buckets.
With nothing in the bucket to give to others these children often use what their holes are made of to get through life. They use aggression, both physical and verbal, they don’t form healthy attachments to others, they often develop chemical dependency, and they continue to let all love leak out of the holes in their buckets, which leaves them empty.
It is much more difficult to help a child who has decided that their bucket cannot be fixed, and has put it in the weeds to rust and be forgotten. Digging the bucket out of the weeds and showing the child how to fix it before the child is ready will get the bucket, and the adult kicked to the weeds. This will put a hole in the adult’s bucket as well. Adults can point to the bucket and let the child know that when they are ready to fix it the adult can help. Children with holes in their buckets can be good at putting holes in an adult’s bucket. If the adult is not careful, soon their bucket will no longer hold water either. Secondary trauma is real, and it can damage an entire family. Sometimes it is necessary to leave a bucket in the weeds, in order to prevent more holes from being put into other buckets.
While it is crucial for everyone to fill each other’s buckets, thus also filling our own, children who have experienced trauma are unable to hold the love, kindness, acknowledgement, and support, and also unable to give it. Patching the bucket of a child who has experienced trauma is difficult, and the child may resist because it is not comfortable and it hurts. But, if we are patient, and many people fill the child’s bucket a little, and help patch the little holes it is possible for a child to be able to hold onto, and give love, kindness, acknowledgement, and support. Some children will decide that patching the bucket is too painful, and not worth it, thereby kicking their bucket to the weeds to rust and be forgotten. It is important to point out the bucket and offer help when the child is ready, but not to bring the bucket to them, or the adult will kicked to the weeds with the bucket.
Do what you can to help a child patch a hole in their bucket, or to fill their bucket; but be careful that you don’t allow holes to be put into your bucket in the process.
There has been a 3% increase in the number of children in foster homes from 2015-2017 and at least half of the states in the U.S. have seen their foster care capacity decrease (Kelly 2017). Kelly also reported that federal and state officials have attributed the increasing foster care totals to substance abuse, particularly opioid abuse by parents (2017). With the rise of children in foster care, the deficit in the number of foster homes available, and the frequent changes in placement in foster homes the buckets of these children are jostled and emptied. This leaves the child empty, and unable to hold happiness.
The foster parents, relatives that take custody of children in the kinship program, teachers, therapists, social workers, and all of the other well meaning adults in the child’s life pour love, kindness, support, help, and time into these children. But, it doesn’t help; the water all leaks out through the holes that are in these children’s buckets.
With nothing in the bucket to give to others these children often use what their holes are made of to get through life. They use aggression, both physical and verbal, they don’t form healthy attachments to others, they often develop chemical dependency, and they continue to let all love leak out of the holes in their buckets, which leaves them empty.
Before these children can accept love, support, or kindness the holes in their buckets need to be patched.Children often resist this patching process. They have gotten used to the holes in their buckets, and the patching process can hurt. How can we convince children that they will feel better after being “patched”, and that the process is worth it. First, the child has decide that they are worth patching. If the child has already thrown their bucket into the weeds to rust and be forgotten about, there is no way to patch the holes until the child decides to retrieve the bucket and begin the process. At that time the process will take longer, because there has been more damage done.
It is important to get to a child’s bucket before it is in the weeds, before the child has given up on ever being happy.When the “patching” process begins it is best to start with the small holes, the ones that will hurt the least. As the small holes are patched, and if the bucket is left in one place the water will not leak out as fast. As small holes are patched the child may begin to feel real happiness, and may have something to give to others, thereby increasing their own happiness. But, unless that big hole gets patched there will be no way for the child to truly hold or give kindness, love, or happiness.
It is much more difficult to help a child who has decided that their bucket cannot be fixed, and has put it in the weeds to rust and be forgotten. Digging the bucket out of the weeds and showing the child how to fix it before the child is ready will get the bucket, and the adult kicked to the weeds. This will put a hole in the adult’s bucket as well. Adults can point to the bucket and let the child know that when they are ready to fix it the adult can help. Children with holes in their buckets can be good at putting holes in an adult’s bucket. If the adult is not careful, soon their bucket will no longer hold water either. Secondary trauma is real, and it can damage an entire family. Sometimes it is necessary to leave a bucket in the weeds, in order to prevent more holes from being put into other buckets.
While it is crucial for everyone to fill each other’s buckets, thus also filling our own, children who have experienced trauma are unable to hold the love, kindness, acknowledgement, and support, and also unable to give it. Patching the bucket of a child who has experienced trauma is difficult, and the child may resist because it is not comfortable and it hurts. But, if we are patient, and many people fill the child’s bucket a little, and help patch the little holes it is possible for a child to be able to hold onto, and give love, kindness, acknowledgement, and support. Some children will decide that patching the bucket is too painful, and not worth it, thereby kicking their bucket to the weeds to rust and be forgotten. It is important to point out the bucket and offer help when the child is ready, but not to bring the bucket to them, or the adult will kicked to the weeds with the bucket.
Do what you can to help a child patch a hole in their bucket, or to fill their bucket; but be careful that you don’t allow holes to be put into your bucket in the process.
Let Your Light Shine!References Cited
Kelly, John. “The Foster Care Housing Crisis.” The Chronicle of Social Change , 31 Oct. 2017, chronicleofsocialchange.org/child-welfare-2/chronicle-report-least-25-states-lost-foster-care-capacity-since-2012/28575.
Connell, Christian M. et al. “Changes in Placement among Children in Foster Care: A Longitudinal Study of Child and Case Influences.” The Social service review 80.3 (2006): 398–418. PMC. Web. 5 Oct. 2018.
