I’m not strong enough
“Lord, I can’t do this, it’s too much.” I cried out to the Lord, silently, while kneeling in a beautiful Cathedral during a Monday evening mass that I decided to go to at the last minute. This wasn’t my home church, I had never been into the Cathedral. I had been at the ICU where my mom had been for eighteen days most of the morning. I then went to see my counselor who got me in for an appointment after seeing my email describing all that had happened over the Christmas break. Since I was so close to this Cathedral I decided to go to the mass.
I walked in overwhelmed with grief. My mom was still in the ICU with a breathing tube. I had recently learned of the overdose death of a parent I worked with for four to eight hours a week for over a year. I was working with her because of her addiction and mental illness. I was trying to help her with parenting skills and managing crisis. While managing my grief with these two events I was pushed over the edge with news about a young man, only fifteen years old, who had played hockey with our middle son. He had ended his life with suicide, using the same method as my sister three and a half years ago. I was overwhelmed with grief and heart ache.
I went to mass that evening because I didn’t know what else to do. I went to mass and prayed through my tears, in a large Cathedral with about forty people in attendance. It was quiet, it was solemn, it was massive. Being in that large Cathedral with so few people reminded me how huge God is.
As I poured out my heart silently, I told God that I couldn’t do this, it was all too much. As I knelt and let the tears fall down my cheeks words came to me. Not like Moses and the burning bush, or when the angel came to Mary and Joseph, but words that were not mine came into my head.
“That’s what Aron, and Moses, and Mary and Joseph said too. I was with them and I am with you.”
I received the body of Christ in the Eucharist and felt His strength and His love fill me. My grief subsided and I knew that God was with me and that with His strength I could get through this.
When I posted about my sorrow on Facebook in an effort to be open and real many family and friends commented on how strong I am. As I read each one my thought was, “but I’m not. I’m not strong enough for this.”
I’m not strong enough, but God is. He commanded us to be strong and courageous because he is with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9). I am strong enough, because God is with me. You are strong enough too because God is with you. You can get through the challenges in your life, God is with you.
Let Your Light Shine!
